Mi · Reflejo

It's my parents anniversary pretty quick, and I found the cassette tape of their ceremony. I also found their wedding album, and put some pictures into a Powerpoint. I was just listening to the ceremony, and I don't know why but I almost got choked up. All of a sudden they didn't seem like my parents at all. They seemed like two people, not much older than me, acting YOUNG. Like, I see all these pictures of them being goofy and funny like I do with my friends....it was surreal. I guess it's been so long that I just figured my parents were the same way their whole lives. Maybe I had that old feeling of "They were born married." But they looked really happy....it was the coolest thing in the world. After 25 years, they're still in love and together even though I know they drive each other up the wall sometimes. That's special! So this is for them.

It's just been a difficult summer. I've known it for a while, but what can I do except truck on and pray that after a series of bad times comes to good times.

First Pastor J died. I just felt so hollow. Then the funeral where I cried so much and I could barely let the people I loved out of my sight in case I never saw them again.

Then Caleb dies. Now I feel like I see him everywhere. He was in my ECP video, he has made nearly every picture I have of "Joseph" and other shows I was in. I saw he wrote on my wall around a month or two before he died just to check in and say hi. I live near him, and I saw all the cars and the flag at half staff. I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral.

Then Lauren's mom died of cancer. I didn't know Erin, but I know how strong Joel and Lauren had to be during the difficult time. Now Ian Bush, an 18 year old, is dying. He has less than a week to live, probably. Is he scared? Has he found peace? It's just so sad. I know God has a plan for all of this, but I wish I could understand it.

Outside of all this, I'm overworked and a couple of embarrassing situations have gotten me down. I miss hanging out with my sister, but we keep missing each other for times to do that. She's usually to busy with friends, and I'm too busy with work. I really hate that. I miss my boyfriend. I thought summers were for seeing each other every week and relaxing, but now its become stressful and even harder to see each other. I almost want to go back to school, because it was easier then. But yet I don't because I will get thrust into a busy school year, and I have to say I'm a little scared of what Wittenberg is going to be like without Pastor J and this makes me not want to go back yet.

I just need to heal from all this. How do I do that?

I feel so stuck in Illinois. I feel so stuck in the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm a proud American - wave the flag, say the pledge, hooray and God bless and all that. And I love living in Illinois. Even though it has freaking long and cold winters (that seemed more terrible than usual this year) and humid, sweaty summers. I feel like I'm a Midwestern girl at heart, and I really do think I'll probably just stay here instead of moving to any other part of the country. Finally, I absolutely love going to school at Illinois State University. I love my friends, the campus, most of the classes, and the way its truly preparing me for my future. Yet there's something I'm afraid is missing. For my entire life, I've just always wanted the experience of studying abroad. It's just become harder recently because I've been seeing pictures of friends making that dream come true. The best was Jo Zalea, who had dreamed for years about studying in France, and now she is there. Or Liz, who got the honor of going to Greece...which is a place I am absolutely DYING to see. Yet I just highly doubt I will get the opportunity. I tried to make it happen this past fall. I really thought there was a shot. I was starting to make plans to spend three weeks in Florence, Italy almost immediately after I finished sophomore year. I planned on taking an Art class to get one of my general education classes out of the way, but to be honest that was secondary to just being in the beautiful city and getting the opportunity to travel Italy. But there were a couple problems. The first is that I would have missed Carmen's high school graduation...and I would have really felt bad about that. The second is that I really can't afford it. And my family can't afford it. That was the worst part of it. And finally, in my four year plan there's really not a lot of classes I could take. My broadcast classes should mostly be done at ISU so I can get into TV-10. I mean, I could take them abroad, but that would mean a semester or year in South Korea. I don't want to sound picky, but South Korea isn't really a place I'm interested in. I don't know about psychology either, but I know I'm going to be done with Gen Eds by this time next year. So, really, there's not much left. So why go? I guess I just really want to!!!!!!! I think I'm going to try again, though, maybe for next summer. So if anyone knows anything about scholarships or anything, let me know. I guess at some point I just need to go for the dream...or at least try again. I'll get there. Someday.

One time at OAFC, we did this activity where we named all the words for love that we could think of. Like, synonyms for love or words associated with love. We'd try to see who could think of the most words. So here is my list:

GOD IS LOVE
kindness
gentleness
amour
faithful
never failing
marriage
liebe
listening
laughing
understanding
happiness
tears
kisses
hugs
sunsets
music
romance
friends
sex
intimacy
compromise
craziness
quirks
good times
bad times
in-between times
fighting
being there

Got anymore?

Okay...now ISU is getting threats. All of these STUPID STUPID "ISU is the next NIU" messages on TOILET PAPER DISPENSERS! I know we should take every threat seriously, but it seems so stupid! And the worst part is - people are really getting scared. Now we're on like a mini-lockdown. President Bowman calming down his freaked out college, telling us it's okay if we don't go to classes and work and stay in our dorms. Like that's going to make us feel better or safer. If anything, all I could think about was that maybe there was serious enough reason go back to my dorm and actually lock the door and call my family and friends and tell them everything's okay.

I need to be brave.

But, I'm not. I'm scared.

I am so different this year.
I am happy I am different this year.

I was reading some old livejournal entries, and realized things are so 110% different than last year!

Okay, it's late and finals week begins tomorrow...someone tell me why I'm doing this! Oh, who knows. But I want to! So, I guess I will use my tactic from last year. I will make a list of different things instead of typing about it so I save some brain cells :)

1. I'm a sophomore! It's almost 2008! Schnikeys! That means 2 more years until I done grad-ju-ated. WHERE IS COLLEGE GOING!?
2. I'm a weather girl! I anchor Tuesday weather for TV-10. It's not a giant responsibility, but it's a big step forward to becoming a journalist. I write my own materials and have gotten used to a camera lens staring at me.
3. I'm still playing flute! I never thought when I started flute in 5th grade, or even when I was ending my senior marching band season in high school that I would EVER keep it up this long. Granted I'm not an amazing musician, but it's still fun for me. I still march with my lovely fluties in the Big Red Marching Machine, and I am joining University Band next semester. Next year I may audition piccolo for BRMM. We will see!
4. I'm a swimmer! I have gotten heavily into swimming. I go at least twice a week to McCormick while I'm at school. In the summer, I have a job as a lifeguard and swim instructor at the YMCA and so I swim every day. Each workout I usually swim between 1-2 miles. My favorite stroke is backstroke and my least is butterfly. My goal is to keep dropping time and improve...because I really am enjoying it and what it does to my body (it helps a LOT with keeping in shape and getting stronger). I don't especially enjoy the chlorinated hair, but it's worth it.
5. I'm living in South Campus! I moved out of the age-old Barton and into Colby and the Communication lifestyle floor. My floor ROCKS and my roomie Kate is great. My living conditions are SO SO much better than last year.
6. I love to bake! I have no idea where my homemaker flare has come from, but I especially love making desserts. My specialty is lemon cheesecake.
7. Carmen is A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL! Yes, my little sis is awesome and is going to Concordia Chicago ON SCHOLARSHIP in the fall. She's majoring in Elementary Education. It's so strange to think of us both in college next year.
8. I'm still in love! Stephen and I have been together almost two years. I can't believe it. It still seems like it's only been a few months. He's still every bit as amazing as he was on Febraury 11, 2006.
9. People I know are growing up! People I am close to are graduating college, becoming teachers and opening up Jimmy John franchises, getting married and engaged, all of that grown up stuff. WOW.

God is faithful and steadfast!

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It's October 31. Halloween? That's what most people would say. When I think Halloween, I conjure up a few different images.

1. That one day in my childhood where I dressed up (usually as some sort of princess) and when trick-or-treating with Carmen or with some of my friends. Occasionally I even went to a kid's costume party sponsored by the U of I.
2. The way Halloween is college where girls have an excuse to dress like sluts, guys can be even more immature than their normal realm, and there is a large quantity of alcohol involved.
3.The real MEANING of Halloween: It is truly known as Hallow's Eve, the night before the Christian holiday of All Saint's Day, where a plethora of demons were released to wreak havoc before the people were under the holy protection of All Saint's Day.

Now, I enjoy Halloween. At least I did when I was a kid. It's definitely fun to dress up in a pretty costume and get some free candy. I think it's fine to celebrate that version of Halloween. But when I really think about what we're supposedly "celebrating" at Halloween, it really makes me question whether I as a Christian should really participate in it. Like I said, I enjoyed the whole costume and candy thing, and I'm not condemning anyone for liking it. What I AM saying is that people need to be aware of what it really means, and decide for themselves if they are going to behave in a manner that supports it.

Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Germany on October 31, 1517. Now that's a holiday I can be fully proud to celebrate.

It is time for summer. I am SOOOOO ready to go home!!!!!

I have compiled these lists instead of wasting even more brain cells by typing them out. I supposedly need brain cells for finals.

Reasons for Wanting to Leave ISU to Go Home:
1. To shower without shoes
2. To have a ledge in the shower that proves handy for shaving my legs
3. To have WATER PRESSURE in the shower so washing my hair takes 3 minutes as opposed to 10
4. To eat homecooked meals for FREE!
5. To have daily servings of fruit and vegetables as my mom's meals dictate
6. To have a car
7. To have a Smoothie King and a Za's close by
8. To sleep in my big double bed
9. To have a QUIET place to sleep..without the sounds of drunk people and Jessica's computer
10. To use a bathroom where there is not: a) puke strewn all over and b) dirty thongs and condoms hanging outside of the shower (both have happened this year, with a) happening right now...I held my breath the whole time)
11. To get a new job and make some moolah (hopefully!)
12. To visit some OAFC friends and catch up with friends back home
13. Not having to tiptoe around my room at 11 am because my roommate is STILL sleeping
14. To have my mommy, daddy, and Carmen there with me every day to give me hugs and tell me how much they love me...at college, I feel like people care about me but yet I sometimes feel alone because my real foundation (my family and Stephen) are not here to have my back.

Things I will Miss about ISU over the Summer:
1. My amazing friends (yet I will see some of them i.e. Katie and Emily over the summer)
2. Cable TV
3. High speed Internet
4. Wittenberg Lutheran Bible Studies
5. BRMM
6. Bosco Sticks at Chatter's
7. Being an hour closer to Stephen
8. Swimming at McCormick and the Fitness Center (hopefully I will get a YMCA summer pass, though)
9. The beautiful buildings and trees around campus

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in still waters
He giveth peace unto my soul
He leadeth me in paths of goodness for His name's sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I shall feel no evil
For thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff
They comfort me

Sometimes we don't know why God allows these things to happen. My only justification was that He was ready to have Austin safe and sound with Him.

My room looks like a tornado has gone through it. My bed is hardly ever made, and it is currently buried with the contents of my backpack. My floor is cluttered with shoes. My desk is by far the worst. I don't remember what it looks like without random papers and flyers, various candies, and a whole bunch of other wild things. One thing college has done has turned me into a SLOB!!!! I have 3 weeks of classes. After a final on May 10, I am OUT OF HERE!!!! I need a break from school and living in a shoebox dorm that's either too stuffy or too drafty and showering with shoes on.

I loved Beauty and the Beast. Good job, everyone! I am coming home for a job interview hopefully this weekend so I'll get to see how Chicago at Central stacks up.

Please everyone. Pray for VT.

A few days ago I wrote a very angry entry. I have deleted it.

It's a hard thing to admit you were wrong. It is quite another to confess to the one you love that you splashed personal feelings all over the Web that were only meant for his ears. Both are terrible ordeals that I never want to go through if I can help it.

I will instead revise it like this.

I, without a doubt, have the most beautiful, understanding boyfriend in the entire world. This isn't just because he gives me flowers or kisses my cheek and tells me how special I am. It's not that he is handsome, athletic, or even nice. Here's what it is...

It's the fact that he let me cry in his arms and he made me look at him straight in the eyes so he could tell me how much he loved me. It's the fact that he kisses my hands even though sometimes I couldn't stand myself. It's the fact that his forgiveness and love never runs out. It's the fact that he's asked if I will marry him more times than I can count, but he keeps asking so I won't ever forget that someday he'll ask for real.

I'm in love with him totally. And it isn't one of those high school / college relationships that happen because:
a. the person is hot
b. you like them, but you know eventually it will end
c. you love them, and you get engaged because you're scared it won't really happen
d. you need sex that bad

This is the forever kind of love. I'd wait forever. I won't have to. But I would. Because your soulmate only comes around once in your life. I'm just lucky I got to meet him when I was 17 years old.

Reasons I am Proud:

1. Instead of pouting like I was all ready to, I made this weekend work. And it was amazing.
2. Going the speed limit half the time getting there and back. Okay, maybe a quarter.
3. Clearing up the hazy area. Permanently.
4. While at the swim meet, instead of thinking "Wow is this ever going to end?" I found myself enjoying it, and being SO PROUD of him.
5. Keeping my chin up Saturday night when there was nothing to do and we were getting grumpy, and turning it into one of the best dates I think we have ever had.
6. Being able to be totally honest with Pastor Dan's question.
7. Burning that list of regrets. And really feeling I had let it go.
8. Cooking lunch. Okay, microwaving lunch. Feeling very homemaker-y.
9. Not crying. Not once.

These may not have any significance to anyone reading this, but these little things mean the world to me. I have no idea why, but they do. I guess it just proves that things are looking up and that I can remain positive about they way things are. I am just so happy right now.